Parenting with kindness
Before I had children, I had this image in my mind of life as
a parent and how I would bring up my children. Then I actually had them,
and everything changed. From the second I went into labor and strayed entirely
from my birthing plan, I realized how little control I suddenly had over my own
life and that scared the control freak within me. My anxiety grew, my
confidence vanished, and I felt like I was drowning. When my two children were
very little, with only 21 months between them, calling it tough would be an
understatement. With my husband commuting and getting back late, I felt
isolated at times. The lack of sleep, the inability to have a moment to myself,
the whinging, the mess. It took its toll on me and I will admit that I cried
and shouted a great deal, which made me feel even more of a failure. I needed
help but didn’t feel I was able to ask for it.
In theory, as they grew older it should have got easier, but while I may have stopped crying, I continued to shout. I had no patience and lost my temper very easily. At the time I just couldn’t see how I could turn things around because I felt trapped and hopeless. It wasn’t until one day when one of the children said, ‘mummy you’re always shouting’, that I really took the time to think about what I was doing. I felt ashamed; I didn’t want that to be the lasting impression I had on my children, so I decided to get help. You can’t pour from an empty vessel, so I had to start with me.
Parents can focus so much on their children that they neglect their own needs, which ends up affecting the children in the long run. I was broken due to ill health, lack of sleep, eating unhealthy food, not exercising and just generally neglecting myself. Once I started to focus on those things and build my confidence, life dramatically changed. Only then could I start to be the type of parent I always wanted to be. I was able to parent with kindness, to nurture, have more patience, stop shouting, listen more and guide them to make the right decisions.
I give them choices, so they feel like they have a voice. I don’t make them share, I ask them to think about what the kind thing to do would be, I ask them to imagine themselves in the other one’s position. If they are angry with me, I tell them I love them, I always will, but their actions or words have made me sad. I want them to realize how others can be affected by their actions and to keep that at the forefront of their mind. I want them to think ‘how would I feel if someone did this to me?’. I try my best to lead by example, to show them how to be kind to themselves and to others, and make home a safe and loving place for them. The outside world can be scary, people can be mean, but when they get home they always have loving parents to encourage and protect them.
Of course we still have our ups and downs like any family, but since making a conscious decision to lead a more intentional life, to spend more time outdoors, less screen time, more kindness and understanding, less shouting and demands, our family life is much more harmonious and the children are blossoming. It can be hard at first but trust me, it’s worth it.
In theory, as they grew older it should have got easier, but while I may have stopped crying, I continued to shout. I had no patience and lost my temper very easily. At the time I just couldn’t see how I could turn things around because I felt trapped and hopeless. It wasn’t until one day when one of the children said, ‘mummy you’re always shouting’, that I really took the time to think about what I was doing. I felt ashamed; I didn’t want that to be the lasting impression I had on my children, so I decided to get help. You can’t pour from an empty vessel, so I had to start with me.
Parents can focus so much on their children that they neglect their own needs, which ends up affecting the children in the long run. I was broken due to ill health, lack of sleep, eating unhealthy food, not exercising and just generally neglecting myself. Once I started to focus on those things and build my confidence, life dramatically changed. Only then could I start to be the type of parent I always wanted to be. I was able to parent with kindness, to nurture, have more patience, stop shouting, listen more and guide them to make the right decisions.
I give them choices, so they feel like they have a voice. I don’t make them share, I ask them to think about what the kind thing to do would be, I ask them to imagine themselves in the other one’s position. If they are angry with me, I tell them I love them, I always will, but their actions or words have made me sad. I want them to realize how others can be affected by their actions and to keep that at the forefront of their mind. I want them to think ‘how would I feel if someone did this to me?’. I try my best to lead by example, to show them how to be kind to themselves and to others, and make home a safe and loving place for them. The outside world can be scary, people can be mean, but when they get home they always have loving parents to encourage and protect them.
Of course we still have our ups and downs like any family, but since making a conscious decision to lead a more intentional life, to spend more time outdoors, less screen time, more kindness and understanding, less shouting and demands, our family life is much more harmonious and the children are blossoming. It can be hard at first but trust me, it’s worth it.
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